That’s Not How It’s Supposed to Look!

This morning's talk was inspired by the theme of today’s Daily Word, healing.

Our wonderful Rev. Warren is delivering the wisdom this morning!

This morning’s talk was inspired by the theme of today’s Daily Word, healing.

I know most of us are pretty familiar with the healing miracles of Jesus as told in the gospels, so of course, in my wisdom, I thought, hmm, maybe it’s time to look for something in the Hebrew Scriptures.

I came upon the story of (na’-a-man) Naaman in 2 Kings 5, verses 1 through 19.

In my mind, I thought, “perfect”! We haven’t done a talk on healing in a while. Then the title came to me and it will make sense once you hear Naaman’s story. Then the still, small, voice told me a different way for the talk to go.

And I wrestled with that voice until yesterday.

I was like, “but that’s not the way it’s supposed to look, it’s supposed to be about healing!”

Does that give you a clue where I’m headed?

We’re going to talk about expectations this morning.

Even though it’s not directly about healing, my hope is that you will find a means to one kind of healing in it.

Expectations Defined

I want to first talk about what an expectation is and this is all thanks to a refreshing in my own mind of what expectations are via Merriam-Webster.com.

An expectation can live in the present moment, as in how we expect someone to behave or appear.

As an example, for those of us who work, our bosses and colleagues have certain expectations of our performance.

In this sense, an expectation is what is considered reasonable, due, or necessary.

Another way expectations show up in the present is in the sense of being bound in duty or obligation.

For example, we are expected to pay our bills. An expectation can live in the future, as in an outcome that is going to happen. In this sense, when we expect something, we might consider it probable or certain.

As an example, when the weather forecast indicates a 90% chance of rain, we can reasonably anticipate that it’s going to rain.

One other way we have an expectation is when we anticipate or look forward to something happening, and we have a picture in our mind of how it’s supposed to unfold.

As you were listening, perhaps you were thinking about some synonyms for expect or expectation. Words like “anticipate”, “supposed to”, “presume”, “await”.

When expectations lead to suffering

Expectations are well and good… except when they aren’t.

I primarily want to talk today about when our expectations lead to suffering and how we might heal that suffering.

Disappointment and suffering occurs when our expectations of ourselves, another, or certain situations don’t match the reality of the moment.

Fighting with reality (expectation vs. what is)

Many of you have heard me say that after Unity’s teachings, Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is, has been the second most important factor in my own life journey.

I’m paraphrasing her here, but one of the things that she says is that when we fight with reality, we lose every single time.

When we fight with reality, we lose every single time.

We do that when something occurs and we tell ourselves, what?

It’s not supposed to look like that! Or some variation.

Expectations of Ourselves

We can have expectations of ourselves that don’t match reality.

A classic example is when a person is overweight and begins an exercise program and eats more healthfully. When they don’t see immediate results or the first time something derails them, they give up, because they either expected it to be easier and/or faster.

A few years ago, when I set out to lose 30 pounds, I had to remind myself over and over again that I didn’t gain all that weight overnight, so I wasn’t going to lose it overnight, either.

In our youth especially, we may have expectations that our careers are going to go a certain way, that we’ll somehow earn enough money to be really wealthy.

What happens, life!

We might have expectations of ourselves that we always know what to say or what to do when it comes to being with or supporting other people.

The fact is that we often don’t.

As a minister, I find myself in that situation more often than I’d like.

After all, I’m supposed to have the answers, right!?

My prayer then, is God within, let your words be my words.

Sometimes, all I can do is listen and let that be enough.

Expectations of Others

We can have expectations of others that don’t match reality.

This can happen in romantic situations. I’m sure we’ve all experienced or seen what happens when people expect their partner/spouse: to be responsible for their happiness; to complete them; to stay the same, or to at least grow in the same trajectory as themselves; to spend all their time together; this can happen in parent/child relationships:

A parent may expect their child to take care of them in old age.

A child may expect financial handouts from their parents, even though they are well into adulthood, and by that I mean way past their twenties!

I don’t have children myself, but I’ve witnessed the pain of parents when their children are going through really distressing situations; I’ve witnessed the pain of children when their parents are going through really distressing situations.

Part of that pain and suffering, I think, comes from either expecting their lives to go a different way, after all, it shouldn’t look like that!

And/Or, perhaps it comes from deep down, we wouldn’t want to have to go through that situation ourselves, and it hurts to watch our loved one go through it.

And/Or, we might have an expectation that we can fix it, that we can ease our loved one’s pain, when in reality we can’t. Only they can.

So, we might be inclined to fight with reality in these situations and we end up in pain.

Expectations of God

We can have expectations of God that don’t match reality.

We all have our own concept of God.

Perhaps before we came to Unity, we prayed and expected God to answer our prayers.

Then when our prayers were not answered, or not answered in the way we expected, we may have thought that God failed us, or worse, that we were unworthy for God to answer our prayers.

Even in Unity, though our concept of God, the Divine, may not match traditional Christian theology, we can still have expectations that go unmet.

We may pray and then in meditation wait on the still, small, voice to give us guidance and then it doesn’t come in that session…. Nor the next…. Nor the next…. Nor the next.

We may be dealing with a health challenge, big or small, life threatening, or not.

We pray affirming our wholeness, our perfection.

We may have an expectation of how it’s going to unfold with medical help, or not, and then it doesn’t unfold in the way we envisioned or in the timeframe we were expecting.

So we might get frustrated, want to give up, or even question our faith.

That leads me to Naaman’s story in 2 Kings 5, verses 1–19.

Naaman’s story

Naaman was a commander of the army of King Aram of Syria, so Naaman was not an Israelite. He was highly esteemed for his military prowess and success on the battlefield. He had a flaw though, and that is that he had leprosy.

During one of the raids, Naaman’s army had taken a young girl from Israel and she ended up serving Naaman’s wife. This girl told them of a prophet who could cure his leprosy.

There’s a bit more to how Naaman ended up at the prophet Elisha’s house, but we’re going to skip over that for now and start in at verse 9.

9So Naaman came with his horses and chariots, and halted at the entrance of Elisha’s house. 10Elisha sent a messenger to him, saying, “Go, wash in the Jordan seven times, and your flesh shall be restored and you shall be clean.” 11But Naaman became angry and went away, saying, “I thought that for me he would surely come out, and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, and would wave his hand over the spot, and cure the leprosy! 12Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than all the waters of Israel? Could I not wash in them, and be clean?” He turned and went away in a rage. 13But his servants approached and said to him, “Father, if the prophet had commanded you to do something difficult, would you not have done it? How much more, when all he said to you was, ‘Wash, and be clean’?” 14So he went down and immersed himself seven times in the Jordan, according to the word of the man of God; his flesh was restored like the flesh of a young boy, and he was clean.

Naaman was told exactly what he needed to do to heal himself. But he resisted at first. After all, he had expectations that the prophet Elisha would meet him in person.

Based on what his servants told him, he must have had expectations that his healing might have had to involve multiple steps and be difficult to do or at the least might have involved some amount of pomp and circumstance.

Then accepting the wisdom of his servants, he did as he was guided and he was healed.

Acceptance

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” — Michael J. Fox

Of course, Michael J. Fox was an actor who was on a trajectory of being A-list, one of those lucky few who could have probably gotten work well into his old age. Then Parkinson’s disease hit him at a pretty young age. He might have had expectations of how his life was supposed to look before that. Had he held onto them, he might have turned into a really bitter person. Obviously, he didn’t do that and he accepted the fact. In that experience and acceptance, he became a tireless advocate for people with Parkinson’s and created a foundation that seeks a cure.

Acceptance of a situation doesn’t mean that we are passive. It simply means we are not fighting the reality, the facts of the situation.

Acceptance allows us to clear our heads enough to hear the still, small, voice of God within, in other words, our Highest Self.

After all, if we’re fighting reality, telling ourselves and others who will listen over and over again that it’s not supposed to look like that!

It’s very unlikely that we will be calm enough to hear that still small voice.

“If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed” — Terrell Owens (American football player)

Acceptance of the reality, the facts of the moment, is key to our healing.

Naaman eventually accepted the instructions he was given and was healed of his leprosy.

Acceptance allows us to end our own pain and suffering.

Commitment vs. Expectation/Attachment

In addition to acceptance, another path to our healing is our commitment. In my current understanding, our commitment to something is very different than an expectation or an attachment.

Just as a simple example, I may be committed to losing weight and set that as a goal, but I let go of expectations or attachments of how that’s supposed to happen or a certain timeframe.

In my own example of losing 30 pounds, the first 20 came off relatively easy. I still have 10 pounds that I would like to lose. I could make myself miserable with the fact that I have yet to do so. If I am being really honest with myself, I might have to accept the fact that I let go of my commitment, at least for a time.

The difference between commitment and expectation or attachment, in my book, is that commitment is focused on the ultimate outcome, the objective. How or when I get there, is not necessarily up to me.

It’s where I have to remember the phrase, “Let Go and Let God”. Even here, we might want to be flexible in our commitments.

Another Byron Katie saying that I love is that we don’t always know what is our highest good, what’s best for us, let alone what’s best for another person.

Faith in our Higher Power

Ultimately, I have to know deep within, that whatever happens, whatever the outcome, that it will all be okay.

When it comes to outcomes, ultimately, it’s in the Divine spark that is the core of my Being where I put my faith and trust.

As Psalm 62, 5–7 puts it:

5For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him.

6He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

7On God rests my deliverance and my honor; my mighty rock, my refuge is in God.

Conclusion

To put the practical into this morning’s lesson, here’s your homework for the week.

First, do your best to just observe when you are feeling disappointed, perhaps suffering, or even in emotional pain.

Then check in with yourself. Is it possible that suffering is coming from an unmet expectation, coming from a situation where you believe it’s supposed to look another way?

If the answer is yes, are you then willing to let go of the expectation and accept the facts of the moment?

You may have to sit with that one for a while.

Once you are able to let go of expectation, and you have accepted, it’s in prayer and meditation that you can begin listening for what is yours to do.

Like Naaman, are you then willing to follow that guidance even if, or especially when, it doesn’t show up the way you thought it would?

If your expectations are around another person, if the answer comes back, “do nothing”, can you then accept that?

Let’s now prepare ourselves for meditation and prayer.